Caturday

                                             Caturday 

I've been waiting all week to write this, I have cats and boy oh boy, are they FUCKED UP!! 

I have a calico cat that's almost 4 years old named Princess, she really lives up to her name. She's such a weirdo snob. I have another cat that's almost 3 years old named Jason, he's actually my oldest son's cat. He's a very over weight, orange tabby that can kick ass but is terrified of dogs. Then I have a fluffy black and white cat that's just over a year old named Maze (from the TV show Lucifer), she's cute with this big ass eyes like Puss n boots. She's cuddly, soft as hell and really odd. 

Princess thinks she's is Queen B around the house. She will walk around meowing "HELLOOOO," ... "HELLOOOOO," omfg it's funny and really annoying when she doesn't stop. She does this to look for Jason and Maze and to let me know she wants food. 

She will put her face at that gap under my bedroom door and YELL, "HELLLOOOOO," then she'll pat my door like she's knocking and say hello again and again until I get up and feed her ass. She's too funny. 

Sometimes I'll say hello back to her and other times I'll tell her to SHUT UP or say GOOD BYEEEE... GOOD BYEEEE. She NEVER gets the hint... EVER! 

I'll go out in the kitchen to make a pot of coffee to start my day (usually I'll make Starbucks Northern blend or Tim Horton's dark roast), she will run in between my feet, literally in between them, tripping my ass and of course I get mad at her, tell her to GET LOST!!! Do you think that bitch listens? FUCK NO!! So, I have to put down whatever I am doing and feed her first!! GOD, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?? A PRINCESS??? Right... she does, that's her damn name! 

So, I feed Princess, Jason and Maze and let the dogs either inside or outside so they can go to the bathroom. (I have a 5 year old Chinese Shar Pei named Ozzy and a Red Healer puppy that's 5 months old named Honey). Jason thinks the dogs have vanished, gone away never to return again, so he's walking around all calm like and then once they're inside OMG all Hell breaks loose! 

Jason SHITS HIS PANTS that the dogs have come back! He's jumping in the air, growling, puffing up his hair, running faster than Forest Gump and sticking to ANYTHING he can stick to before he FLIES down the basement stairs like a bat out of hell. It's a hilarious, crazy sight to witness. 

Of course because Jason is flipping shit, Princess is all in a fit, her hair is puffed up, back arched and she's walking around like a complete psycho looking for the danger but can't find it. She's walking past the dogs not knowing that's what Jason is having a shit attack about. Then Maze, she's on the chair, looking at the cats loose their minds, her big eyes GIANT, not moving. 

Of course my dogs are running around, chasing Jason who has now hid in the basement and sniffing at Princess. They have no idea WTF just happened or why. Good Lord. 

I go back to making my pot of coffee and walk away while it brews...

... I come back about 10 minutes later to make a cup of coffee and there is Maze, sitting on the kitchen counter, looking at my over sized gold fish eating his breakfast in the tank. 

NO MAZE, you can NOT eat my fish!! I just FED you, go eat your food!!! Come on. Why do my cats have to be so fucking crazy? Why can't I have normal cats that lay around all day and do nothing? 

Why do I find my cats sleeping in laundry baskets, trying to get my fish, scratching at the wall when they use the litter box, freak out over the dogs they know live here, TALK like a person yelling HELLOOOOO at me and doing fucked up shit???? 

Is there even such thing as a normal cat? I've yet to own one.