How to Tell If Someone Really Loves You.
How to Tell If Someone Really Loves You.
Hint: it has nothing to do with what they say.
Most theories of relationships focus on how intimate partners feel about each other, but according to John Gottman’s behavioral approach, you need to focus on outward signs to test the health of yours. This approach follows from the assumption that observable actions provide, in many cases, harder evidence about what’s going on inside a person than the inferences we make from what he or she says.
I’ve taken the liberty of translating Gottman’s theory, along with information from other supporting psychological research, into 11 clues you can use in your own daily life to gauge the depth of your lover's feelings:
- Wants to spend time with you. Wanting to invest time in your relationship is a key indicator of successful long-term intimacy, according to one recent theory. Although both of you may be tied up with work, family, and other commitments, someone who truly cares about you will use whatever time is left over to have some time together alone.
- Asks about your day. During that time you spend together, does your partner ask about, and show interest in, the high and low points of your work day? Couples build their love for each other not necessarily on the ethereal, but on the practical supports that keep communication routes open.
- Trusts you. Partners who truly care about you will give you the benefit of the doubt. Research shows that in successful long-term relationships, partners want to have a sense of knowing where their mates are at any given time. However, they don't have this wish because of worry that their partners might be up to something nefarious. A partner who doesn’t question where you are if you come home late or doesn’t snoop through your cell phone bills is showing the kind of trust that indicates true caring.
- Helps you when you need it. As busy as we all get, adding extra chores or duties to your day may be the last thing you feel like doing. However, if your partner is a technophobe, and you’re techno-savvy, you’ll help out when something goes wrong with your home Wi-Fi network. Similarly, if you absolutely need something from the drug store and are too sick to go there yourself, a partner who cares about you will run a rescue mission and get you that cold medicine.
- Shows respect for your views. If recent research on complementarity in relationships is true, it’s possible for you and your partner to be on completely opposite poles of the political spectrum and still remain happy together for years. The key feature is not what your beliefs are, though, but how open you can be to accepting your partner’s perspective as valid. Let’s say you’re an ardent feminist and your partner holds pre-1970s views about women. If he truly cares about you, he’ll at least listen to you when you express concern about women’s status in the workplace.
- Includes you in decisions. Couples decide on everything from mundane chores to high-stakes questions of where (and how) to invest their income. It’s fine and probably advisable for each person to specialize in some tasks needed to keep the household going, but at some point you need to feel that your views will still be sought (and heard).
- Shows affection. Couples don’t have to engage in frequent sex, or even any sex at all, to be emotionally intimate. However, showing some sign of physical closeness, even if it’s resting a hand on your shoulder, suggests that your partner feels a vital connection to you.
- Looks at you. The nonverbal cues that partners share with each other reveal their deeper feelings. If your partner looks at you while you’re talking, or if you catch him or her darting a glance your way, this suggests that he or she takes pleasure in being with you. The two of you don’t need to spend hours gazing into each other’s eyes; even a quick glance can be enough to send positive, love-confirming vibes.
- Likes to talk about the past. Couples who spend time reliving their enjoyable moments from the past, and do so in a positive and supportive way, can strengthen their ties in the present and future. If your partner uses phrases such as “Remember the time we…?” and then proceeds to tell a great story from your past (which you might not even recall), it suggests that you and your shared experiences play an important role in your partner’s mind.
- Is willing to go to bat for you and your relationship. Does your partner defend you when someone else criticizes you or does he or she join in the fray? We certainly know from great literature that people who truly care about each other will risk their own well-being for the other's welfare. Partners in more ordinary relationships can still show their love for each other by bonding together against outside attacks. In a study of lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals in close relationships, San Francisco State sexuality researcher David Frost found that many who felt stigmatized because of their relationships drew strength from each other and felt that they bonded more closely in the face of adversity.
- Makes you feel good about yourself. A partner who truly cares about you boosts your self-esteem and sense of identity. If nothing else, being with someone who makes you feel valued provides you with strong positive reinforcement. We want to be with people who make us feel good. This doesn’t mean that you’ll always have wonderful days and nights in which you never quibble or become frustrated and annoyed with each other. However, overall, if you feel that your partner boosts your self-confidence, you’ll not only be more likely to want to spend time together, but you'll also regard yourself more positively at the times when you’re apart.
There is no guaranteed way to know if a person truly loves you, but there are a few signs to read in order to figure out what is on the mind of your loved one. If you would like to know if the person you love truly loves you back, then you have to pay attention on how the person acts, what they say, and what they do when you are together. Though love may mean something different[1] to every person, there are many ways to tell if a person truly loves you, just has a crush on you or just being momentarily infatuated with you.
See if the person can act naturally around you. Part of being in love means being completely open to the other person. If you find yourself seeing a whole different side that the person doesn't show the public, then that may be love. For instance, if your partner is pretty serious or polite in public, but shows a more goofy and silly side when you're alone, then they are really opening up to you and loves you.
- If the person shares their deepest emotions with you and is comfortable with it, then that could be love.
- If the person is comfortable not looking perfect, tripping, or having food stuck in their teeth around you, that means they are okay if you see every side of them.
Gauge if the person is happy to be around you. This should be true even during a bad day. If your loved one has had a very bad day but lights up when they see you, then that's a sign of love. If they are in love with you, then the sight of you or the sound of your voice is guaranteed to make them feel better — if only a little bit.
- The next time they're grumpy or have a bad day, see how they react in your presence.
Notice if the person gives you googly eyes. Though this may be silly, check out your loved one's face the next time you see them. Do they look at you in a goofy, watery, silly and adorable way that can only be described as "googly-eyed"? You will know it when you see it. You won't get this look all the time — you can spot it in the morning, or randomly across the dinner table.
- You may also be able to catch the person staring at you with the same expression.
See if the person is giddy around you. Love makes people feel giddy, weightless, and like laughing for no reason at all. If you see the person acting this way in your presence, then this may be love.[3] Does your loved one seem hyper, excited, and on the verge of laughing for almost no reason at all whenever they are around you? If so, then this may be love.
- If you've said something barely funny and the person cracks up, then they may be lovesick.
- If the person shows nervous energy or fidgets around a lot around you, then they may just be excited by your presence
Ask yourself if the person is upset when you are. If you are suffering unbelievable emotional pain or are just bummed because you have the flu, then this should rub off on the person who loves you. If they truly love you, then they'll absorb some of your negative emotions and will be very upset because they'll want you to feel better as soon as you can.
- Though they don't have to be as upset as you are, the person should clearly be affected by your mood because all they want is for you to be happy.
Notice if the person talks positively about your future together. If the person really loves you, then the idea of you being in their future is an absolute given, not something that they would ever have anxiety or uncertainty about. If the person routinely talks about what you're going to do in the future, about what your lives will look like one, two, or even ten years in the future together, then they are probably in love with you.
- True commitment means seeing a forever with another person. If the person talks about the future and always includes you in it, then there is a good chance they truly love you.
- If the person talks about what your kids will look like, where you will retire together, or where you will go for your honeymoon, then they may really love you.
See if the person gives you meaningful compliments. There's a difference between saying, "I like your new haircut" and "You have the ability to make me feel better no matter what." If the person gives you compliments that show that they really appreciate the important aspects of your character and personality, then there's a good chance they really love you.
- Your loved one doesn't have to shower you with compliments all the time — it's the quality, not the quantity, that makes a difference.
Determine if the person means every "I love you". Remember that there is a big difference between "Love ya!" and "I love you." If your special someone really loves you and tells you this much while looking into your eyes, sounding earnest, and not wanting anything from you, then it's likely that they really mean it.
- If the person undeniably loves you, then they will say it for no reason at all, not just because they need a favor or because it feels like the right thing to say.
See if the person really opens up to you. If your loved one really loves you, then they will really open up to you and tell you what they are thinking, feeling, fearing, and longing for. If the person really opens up about their childhood, greatest regrets, most painful moments, or most romantic dreams for the future, then it's likely that they like you because the person is so comfortable telling you about almost everything.
- If the person tells you, "I've never told anyone this before...", then there's a good chance that they really love and trust you.
Expect to be missed when apart. If you and your loved one are apart, but they still text you, call you, or email you to let you know how much they miss you, then it means they can't imagine their life without you. If you go on a three-week vacation and don't hear a word from them, then it may not be love.
- They don't have to call you constantly to let you know if they miss you.
Hope to have your mistakes corrected. If that person truly loves you, then they don't have an idealized picture of you in their mind. If it's truly love, then that person will be comfortable with telling you when you've made a mistake, said something illogical, or acted badly. Though the person shouldn't criticize you all the time, giving you a healthy amount of criticism just means that the person really knows you in and out and accepts your mistakes as well as your best qualities.
- If the person never argues with you or never criticizes you, then you should be on the look out. Make sure that the person truly loves you instead of an ideal version of who you are.
- A certain amount of idealization is normal and even healthy since it makes your partner more willing to accept the whole "you" in a positive light. If your partner emphasizes your abilities over your inabilities, it could still be love! It's only when idealization becomes unrealistic that problems arise, e.g., when they pretend that you have positive qualities you don't genuinely possess.
See if the person truly values your opinion. If the person truly loves you, then they'll care about what you think — whether it's about their new pair of shoes or the political situation in your country. If they really love you, they'll ask for your advice and opinions, whether it's on big or small matters. They may feel self-conscious about asking for your opinion, but they'll do it because they love you.
- They don't have to ask for your opinion on everything — only the things that really matter.
Hope to be listened to. If the person really loves you, then they'll not only open up to you, but they'll also listen to anything you have to say — even if they've heard it all before. Though they won't be your lapdog, they will be around to hear your thoughts. They will nod and respond thoughtfully and not interrupt instead of switching the subject to something they want to talk about.
- Part of being in love is just being able to listen. It's not all about being able to talk.
See if the person is always there for you. This includes those times when it's inconvenient. Sure, if you want to grab a drink or a tasty meal, the person is always around, but what about when you need a ride from the airport or you need someone to walk your dog while you're sick? If the person truly loves you, then they'll be there for you during the fun times as well as the not-so-fun times.
- If the person is only around when you're happy, lighthearted, or in a good mood, but flees the scene as soon as you are sad or cranky, then that is not love.
- Love is about being there for a person, no matter what. Truly loving a person means accepting all the positive and negative qualities of that person, and being around during the good times and the bad.
Consider the nice things done for you. If the person truly loves you, then they'll do thoughtful things like put gas in your car when you're busy, do your food shopping for you, or bring you chicken soup when you're home sick. These favors don't have to be constant or over-the-top, but if the person truly loves you, then they'll want to do things to make you smile and to make your life easier.
- True love isn't just about what you can take from the person, but what you can give as well.
- If the person really loves you, then they will do nice things for you without you having to ask. It should be implied that you need a favor or help sometimes. If you have to ask for something nice every time, then that may not be true love.
See if the person always wants to be around you. Part of being in love is always wanting to be around the person you love, even if it's impractical. If the person truly loves you, then they will want to be around you — a lot. This doesn't mean the person will want to be attached at the hip, but it does mean that the person will try to take as many opportunities as possible to see you.
Let them give you space. If the person truly loves you, then they'll not only want to be around you a lot, but they will also know when to give you space and let you do your own thing. If the person wants to be around you all the time, then that's not love — it's infatuation. As love matures, two people will realize that they still need to do things separate to maintain their own identities.
- If the person wants to be around you every waking moment, then that may be more of a sign of that person's insecurities than true love.
Determine if the person truly understands you. True love is true understanding. Though it sounds lame, the person should really "get" you in order to love you. If the person actually understands your moods, knows what you want and what you don't want, and has an idea of what will make you happy before you may know it yourself, then that may be true love.[11]
- It's okay if part of you remains mysterious to the person — you don't have to be understood 100%, but you do have to have the sense that the other person truly understands where you're coming from most of the time.
See if the person wants the best for you. This should be true even if it isn't the best for them. If a person truly loves you, then they will understand that there are some things that you have to do that may not be the best for them, or may mean that you will be spending some time apart. If they truly love you, then they'll understand that you have to spend a summer on a remote island to pursue your career in marine biology, or that you have to go home early to get enough sleep for a test instead of spending the night with them.
- If the person only wants what's best for both of you at all times, then they're not really seeing you as a unique individual with your own needs and desires.
Look for support. If they really love you, then they won't only be there for the fun times — they'll also be there to help you achieve your goals and move forward in your life. If they truly love you, then they'll be there in the bleachers during your soccer game, they'll be there to see you defend your thesis, and they'll be there to give you a ride to your job interview. And they'll be there whenever you want to talk about something that means a lot to you.
- If they really love you, then they will support you to achieve your goals or pursue your interests, even if they have nothing to do with them.
Comments
Post a Comment