Growing up and losing friends

When you're a kid and living life, hanging out with all your friends, you don't think that in the future when you're older they won't be there. You don't think that your circle will become possibly a triangle. You don't think that the friends you have, that say they're forever won't be.

Growing up sucks sometimes, especially when everyone you love, spent so much time with, told all your secrets to, dreams and shared so much with starts going their own ways. Drifting apart is part of growing up but, why do those that said they'd be there forever have to leave?

"If you're not losing friends, you're not growing up."

When I saw this quote (while mindlessly scrolling through my Instagram feed) I stopped. I set my phone down and just stared at it like it was someone I might have known but couldn't quite place.

It was one of "those" posts—you know, the ones we come across every now and then, on various social media, that actually make you feel something. They can be few and far between but, when you find them, they somehow make you feel less alone—understood by someone unknown.

But, with this one, I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Did I love it? Or did I hate it? Sometimes the physical feeling of the two can be similar—tingly, lightheaded, suddenly aware of the functions that keep you alive, like the air slowly releasing from your lungs and the blood pumping through my heart.

I know it is just a silly quote but, for me, it held a lot of accusations. It proposed some questions I wasn't sure I wanted to answer. It got me thinking:

Am I growing up? Does that make me a bad friend? Does keeping the friends I have mean I am no longer growing as a person? Is that something that needs to be changed to do so? And who in the eff wrote this quote?!

I've come to find out that your 20s are a very strange time for the friendships we keep in life. You are trying so hard to make, maintain, adjust, and sort through friendships, all at once, which can be incredibly taxing.

You want to make new friends on your new chosen path (college, work, motherhood, etc.), while making sure the old don't feel left out. You're also trying to adjust a close friendship to a newly found distance, for those that have moved away, all while trying to decide if you should even be friends with some of them at all— It's exhausting.

My teenage years were 110% dedicated to my friends. I threw that extra 10% in there because my friends always came first back then. They came before school, before boys, before family, before me—they came before EVERYTHING. Their problems were MY problems. Their happiness was MY happiness. Their lives were MY life.

My so-called forever and ever and ever friends were dropping like flies in my early 20s—and not just because either one of us had decided to call it quits. College, careers, marriage, husbands, babies, distance and so much more, were all factors in losing some of my friends.

At first, these were hard facts for me to swallow because (speaking honestly) I didn't have a lot of these things. Since I wasn't joining them on many of these journeys, I thought they were betraying me by conforming to these "adult" things. I began to resent them. I resented them because I felt betrayed. I felt like I had dedicated so much of my life to these friendships—put so much on hold for them—that now it was my time to be put first.

This was incredibly unfair and misled thought that I needed to deal with.

It took me all of my mid-20s to realize this:

It was my decision to dedicate my valuable time to relationships that had no guarantee of being valuable—Learning to accept this fact and move on is priceless.

Yes, losing some friends definitely helped me grow—but resenting them only stunted that growth. Once you can accept that someone can no longer be your friend, and still be a good person who is deserving of a good life, is when you hit your growth spurt!

So, release the bitterness you hold inside. Stop trying to make something work if it doesn't feel right. Stop holding onto someone just because they are all you know. Let each other go so that you can both GROW.

You want to know something wonderful that I have learned in my late 20s? Sometimes, friends return to you.

They return with the understanding that, in order for the friendship to work, time is valuable. And no matter how much or how little time is spent together, that time will be valued, cherished and deserved.

They also understand that there are some things that you will (more often than not) need to put first. Your partner, your family, and what is best for yourself, will require them to take a backseat in your life from time to time. A good friend is not hurt by this. A good friend understands that you are a part of each other's lives now to enhance them—not complicate them.

So, do I agree with the quote? Somewhat. I can see where the person that wrote it is coming from—I have been in that place before. But I hope they don't get too caught up in it. I hope they decide to keep a few of those friends around. I hope not all of their bridges turn to ash.

Because I have a different thought I'd like them to consider:

If you're losing good friends, you're wasting an opportunity to grow yourself.

Friends for now, friends for five minutes, friends for life—whatever the time period may be, they are all a gift. They are the evidence of the moments we recognized ourselves in someone else and opened our hearts to allow them inside. Even when they end poorly, we are richer in spirit for taking the risk.

It takes trust to decide to be a friend. It takes a great amount of love to be there for someone. And it takes a lot of forgiveness to mend the frays that life tears between two people along the way.

Without that kind of love, trust, and forgiveness, you might grow up—but you, my friend, will never flourish.

I lost two friends that really stand out in my mind. Probably because A) I knew them for so many years and B) for the way our friendships ended.

The first friend ( I will call her 'L') I lost a few years back. We'd met when we were just 12 years old, at a park. Some girls thought they were "cool" trying to bully me because I was the "new kid on the block." Didn't work because I didn't give a shit and they were just little pussies pinching and scratching. *ROLLS EYES*

She saw what they were doing and how I didn't react and came to talk to me after they'd left. We became instant friends. We spent almost every day together from 12 years old to 16. Then I moved away; 3000 miles away. I left Calgary Alberta and moved to Cambridge Ontario.

I came back years later and it was like nothing had really changed between her and me except now, I had a baby, a beautiful little girl. She had no children. I think that's where we first started to drift. We spent less time hanging out, and I spent more time with my daughter.

I moved back to Ontario years later and L and I kept in touch here and there. It wasn't until she finally had a child of her own that I saw a HUGE change in her; one I didn't like. She became one of those mom's who had to have the "best of the best" for her child and thought there was something 'constantly wrong' with him! OMG! She pretty much LIVED at the hospitals and clinics. *Shakes head AND rolls eyes*

I couldn't stand it, so our friendship slowly ended as I slowly pulled away. Do I miss her? NO! I bet she's at the hospital right now with that kid who's NOT sick!

The other friend (Who I'll call 'C') We met when we were 18, at a club. My then-boyfriend wanted me to either lip her off or kick her ass for some reason, instead I walked up to her and she bought me drinks! INSTANT FRIENDS.

I recently ended our friendship due to her lack of interest in it. It was that easy. Neglect our friendship and I drop you. Sounds harsh but when you don't pay attention to your friend who's hurting, especially when they've been there for you over and over, then you're going to lose that friend.

You're going to lose friends as you grow up. BUT... the good news, you're going to make more, ones that will last. You're not going to end up completely alone. The friends you make when you're older WILL last because you're all a lot more mature and understand life is busy, you don't have to talk every day, see each other every day to be friends. Being there for one another when needed, that's important.