Time for change

Once in a while, you have to change things up and shake things around. Sometimes you have to be an asshole because if you're too nice, people use you, walk on you and abuse your kindness. It's pathetic really, the nicest people are always the ones treated the worst.

I am a very nice person, I will do a lot to help you out if you're in need but the second I feel that I am being used, lied to, abused and or walked on its game over for you. And once my trust in you is lost, it's gone for good. I will be an asshole and a hard ass. I will be the ice queen.

I've had a lot of practice at it. Believe me, I can be one cold as ice bitch if I have to or if I'm pushed that way.

Because of my past and past people that have been in my life, I've also learned to not give my trust easily, not to believe in anyone but myself, don't depend on anyone but myself and that being alone is better than being with anyone else who will let you down. Because if you're alone, you don't have to worry about being let down, all you have is you to blame if you fuck shit up. Besides, who wants anyone in their life to order them around, tell you how you should act, what you should do, who you should be friends with or not be friends with. We're grown up's; aren't we? When we were children, it was okay for our parents to tell us these things, a partner in life has no right. If they don't like who you are, how you are and try to change you; it's not you who needs to change. They need to leave. Because if they don't like how or who you are, they aren't meant to be with you!

If they want a Barbie they can dress and mould into someone they like and want, then go to Toys R Us boys because humans aren't Barbies and women aren't your play toys to change. And this weak ass minded women who bow down to men and change everything about themselves for them, just to be tossed to the curb like trash, you need to grow some lady balls and toughen up! Changing yourself to be something that you're not is going to get you nowhere in life. If a man asks you to change or tries to mould you into something you're not, move along and find a good man who loves you for who you really are! Because the moulders aren't worth the air you breathe. Tell them the sex store is just down the street and the blow-up bitch they want is there. free for the pickings!

But for me, it's time for some BIG changes! Meaning, I've been patient, nice and giving too much of myself to others for far too long. I've done everything for everyone else for so many years now that I've let myself go. I've lost myself, who I really am and need to bring back the old me! I've been lost and need to be found again. It's ME time and time for BIG, HUGE changes.

First I am not going to be as nice as I have been. I am going to be a bit of a hardass from here on in. If you don't like it, tough shit! I am at the point in my life that it's GO TIME BITCH. It's KNEE TO CHEST TIME!

Meaning you better start RUNNING to catch your ass up to me. My ex used to tell me all the time that he's so far ahead of me in life that I will never catch up. Well, I've caught up and gotten ahead now. I have my own home-based businesses, I have jobs, I take care of my children on my own and raising 3 boys on your own is no easy feat. Especially when you have one with many various disabilities and special needs and attention. I also volunteer as a trustee member on the library board and parent counsel, and book club. I give so much of myself that there's no time left over for myself or anyone else for that matter. My ex told me to go out and date, because you know, he is. So to feel better, I should too. Well sorry, I don't have time or interest in dating. I don't find there to be a NEED for a man in my life. I don't need a man to complete me, I complete me. I don't need a man to provide for me, I provide for me. I don't need a man to cook, clean or complicate things for me. Sure, having someone special in your life is great and being able to share things with someone is nice and being able to spend time with someone is all fine and dandy but at the end of the day, you have to think about what makes YOU happy. If being alone makes you happy why the fuck should you bring someone into your life just because other people feel and or think it's the thing people have to do.

I've never been one of those people to fit into the mould of what others like, do and act. I don't follow fashion trends, I don't like music everyone likes because they say it's cool. I really don't give a shit. I like what I like because it makes ME happy. I like clothes I like because I feel good in them. If I am not wearing name brand clothing, it's because I don't give a shit. Clothes don't make a person any better or worse. When you're wasting your money on clothes and you don't have money for anything else, who's the one with the last laugh? Sure isn't you!

So, I think I have accomplished the not being as nice as I once was so I don't get used and walked on. I have that down pat. I can be a royal Bitch when I want to be. I am good at that.

Another thing I am changing is doing everything for everyone else. NO MORE! You want a ride somewhere, gimme gas money. Cars don't fill their own tanks. If not, start hitching on the side of the roads to where ya need to go! Money doesn't grow on trees, and if I am being nice enough to drive your ass around because you don't have a car, then you better be nice and put gas in the tank. I appreciate the help when it's given to you. Because if you abuse people's kindness, they won't be kind anymore.

You want to eat, why the fuck should I be your personal chef? Why can't you learn to cook? Are your hands broken? Do you not have fingers? Can you not read a cookbook or online recipe? I'm sure if you can understand basic instructions and read you can learn to cook. No one should have to cook for other grown-ass people because they're too lazy to learn for themselves. If you aren't armless, brainless or blind, learn to cook for yourself!

Another thing I am changing is who I let in my life. I've let in so many WRONG people that it's time to find the RIGHT people to let in my life. If I can't find the RIGHT ones, I will let in no one! I don't want people in my life who are negative, no one who does drugs or thinks drugs are okay. I don't want anyone in my life who is useless. If they can't do shit for themselves, can't provide for themselves, can't think for themselves, I don't want you in my life. I also don't want anyone in my life who is a complete IDIOT! If you're stupid enough to DRINK AND DRIVE if you're stupid enough to be a RAGING ALCOHOLIC, if you're stupid enough to just be an all-around DICK, find somewhere else to be! Because in my life, it isn't your place. SLUTS have no place in my life either, male or female and this is another reason I don't want to date. Men don't want relationships they just want to FUCK and I don't want to just FUCK. If I am with someone, I want someone who isn't fucking everyone. I don't want an STD thank you very much. If you want to FUCK, go find a hooker; pay her! That's what they're there for!

Any guy can find some hoe willing to let him fuck her any time. Finding a good woman who will be there for you through thick and thin, support you and your choices and be honest, faithful and dependable as well as strong, independent and loving; those are hard women to find. Anyone can be open like 7/eleven, a real woman knows her worth and won't fuck just anyone or give it away easily. They'll make ya work for it. Those are the women you want. That is the kind of woman I am! I am not going to just open my legs and say FUCK ME to just anyone. I make them work for it. I get to know them because if I can't like them on an emotional level, then I won't be with them on a physical level. Having a smart, beautiful mind is such a sexy thing. I can't be attracted to an idiot or someone negative or unkind. READ a book, FEED your damn brain. If you're stupid, stay away!

Something else I am changing is not having time for myself and the things I enjoy. Giving too much of myself to everyone else and not having time for my ends. I am going to do ALL the things on my bucket list. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! That's why I made the bucket list. I am supposed to die with NO REGRETS! That is a huge one on my bucket list. If I don't do it, I will die with regrets. I am a creature of comfort and habit when I set my mind to something I can't just leave it unfinished. I have to see it through until the very end. That includes my bucket list.

I already have too many regrets from my past, I am NOT going to die with more! That is not how life is supposed to be lived out. You're not supposed to simply exist, you're here for a reason. Make that reason a good one. Leave your mark on the world. Immortalize yourself. I am! I am immortalized through my writing. I am a literary vampire. Can you say that you've left a mark on the world? If you're going to leave a mark, leave a GREAT one. Don't be an asshole and leave people behind when you're dead and gone who have nothing but negative things to say about you and who are glad you're gone. Leave a mark well enough that people miss you and have a hole in their life from your exit.

Changes are good. You can't just sit idle all your life and do the same thing over and over again, stuck in a loop. You have to change things up. Don't be scared of change, sometimes changes can bring you the best things in life. If you don't try, you're never going to know! Put yourself out there, stand on the ledge (not literally) and jump! Take a chance. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and overcome your fears! Try something new. Try new foods, drinks, get to know new people, travel to new places, watch a new show, change your outlook on life. When you start thinking in a positive manner, you bring in more positive things. Sure it sounds like bullshit but it works. If you think and feel angry and negative all the time, that's all that you bring into your life. If you're happy and think positive, positive things will come to you. YES, it's really that EASY!

The biggest thing, DO SHIT YOURSELF! Stop depending on others to do things for you. You're stronger than you think you are and more capable than you think. When you start standing on your own two feet and do things yourself and for yourself, you'll feel amazing! You can accomplish ANYTHING you put your mind to. Don't give up! If you fall down, GET THE FUCK UP, brush yourself off and do it again... HARDER this time. Because if you fall and stay down; you're a doormat and who wants to be a doormat? Weakness is when you quit and don't even try. Weakness is when you don't do things yourself. Weakness is when you fall apart over the smallest of things. Don't be weak. Be STRONG! You're born into the world alone and leave it alone. STAND on your own in between. You can do it! Nothing is impossible when you're willing to give it your all.

I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT woman and don't need ANYONE in my life. That's why people don't understand me. They don't get how I can do it all myself. Or how I can be SINGLE and be HAPPY. If I let you in my world it's because you're WANTED there, not that you've forced your way in. No one forces their way into anything in my life. And believe me, if I decide to date anyone if they can get past my walls and if I trust them, they'll see a WHOLE other side of me that no one else gets to see. They'll see a more loving, tender, naughty, funny, free-spirited side of me not many EVER see. In a relationship, I am 100% faithful, honest and willing to please both people; sexually and emotionally. If I get bored, I leave. I don't like to be bored. Bored is bad. I like new and exciting things. I hate just sitting around doing nothing. Nothing is bad. I like to get out and explore, try and do new things, see new places and have fun! I'm too young to act like I am in a nursing home already.