Forgiven not forgotten

What do you do when you want to start fresh, move on and leave the negativity, behind you? Well, I've tried many things and none of them have worked as well as forgiving the person who has hurt you and letting the pain go. Why? Not for them though, they may think it's for them but in reality, it's for your own peace of mind and well being.

You don't have to forgive anyone for them, you have to forgive them for YOU! You can never move forward and have a good future if you don't let go of what once was or the pain that is holding you back. That goes for everyone, not just myself.

I've had a LOT of hurt and pain in my life and it's time that I don't have any more of that. I am learning to let it go, forgive and move forward. It's not easy by any means, believe me. Forgiving someone is never an easy feat. Letting go isn't either. It takes a lot of patience, time and strong will. To let go of the anger that is making you miserable, mean, unlikable and someone people don't want to be around, that is not someone you want to be. Holding on to anger does that. It can also make you very sick physically and emotionally.

So, where should I start? I guess with my own family and close friends.

I forgive my Aunt for never being very kind to me as a child. She was never a parent and didn't know how to treat kids I guess and has no patience for them. It's no excuse for the way she treated me and the things she said to me that still haunt my memories to this day but, I forgive her.

I forgive my Uncle for not really being there when I needed someone to look up to that was a strong male figure, seeing as I never had a father in my life. My uncle only seemed to come around when things suited him. He never calls, never writes, never does anything with his family. He will have a very lonely life when he's an elderly man. I forgive him.

I am going to save my mom for last. She is the most painful.

So, I will skip to Jeff S. He was not a very good friend or boyfriend when I was younger. He was always getting into trouble and doing really stupid shit. He did make my life a whole lot more exciting though! There was never a dull moment when he was around. But, drugs, gangs and stupid shit took over his life and I forgive him.

Doug W, He was my first really serious boyfriend and the first boy to ever say he loved me. We drifted apart and he ended up not talking to me because his girlfriend wasn't comfortable with him talking to his ex. I forgive him.

Earl R, now this is a really hard one that I have had to work on for many, MANY years. He was my mom's sperm donor who helped create me. I won't dare call him my father because that is something he never was. He never earned that title and never will. He is a miserable man and he is an evil manipulator, he is abusive, controlling and just purely full of rage and hate because of how he was raised. He took it out on me once I met him when I was 17 years old. BIGGEST mistake of my life; meeting him. If I could go back in time, I NEVER would have gone to Ontario at all to meet him and I can GUARANTEE you my whole life would be 100% different if I never went and met him.

I forgive him though. I will NEVER speak to him again, never visit his grave when he dies and NEVER has ANYTHING to do with his sorry ass but, I forgive him. He just no longer exists in my life and hasn't for going on 12 years.

Ryan M... another hard one. He is my daughter's father. A real piece of work this one is. He has 4 kids with 4 different women and has NEVER taken care of one of his kids. He was FORCED to pay for two of them because only two of the women were smart and took his ass to court; I was one of those smart women. He had every chance in the damn world to spend time with his daughter, I moved 3000 miles so he COULD see his daughter and be part of his life but, he couldn't take the time even though he lived 20 minutes from her to see her more than ONCE a fucking year. And on that ONE day a year, he made her WORK! He didn't even see her! He is a real jack ass. But, Karma came around and bit him HARD in the FACE! He ended up with cancer in his face. He had his face, neck cut open and looked like complete shit. I am glad he didn't die but, Karma has served him a big healthy dose of kickass. I forgive him.

Jeff P, I won't say what happened but, I forgive you for everything. Not everything was at the fault of you but for the things that were. I forgive you.

Payam S, you are NOT forgiven. Why because you do NOT fucking STOP harassing, insulting, controlling, abusing my daughter. It might be okay to treat women like shit where you grew up but here in Canada, here in MY family, it's NOT fucking okay and you're NOT family and you're NOT forgiven. The things you say and have said to her are UNFORGIVABLE. Using your child as a weapon, a pawn, a threat makes you the SCUM of the earth and nothing more than a COWARD! You don't deserve to be around your daughter or my daughter. As far as I am concerned, you're nothing more than a sperm donor and won't amount to anything else. You disgust me and will NEVER gain my trust or respect back again. You're NOT forgiven.

Joshua D, you came into our lives out of nowhere and never left. You needed help, encouragement and a REAL family. I gave that to you. It's not always been easy to deal with your mental, emotional and physical health and stability but, I have been very patient with you. You've pissed me off a few times and a few times let me down. I forgive you. I know one day you'll get your health sorted out because I will NOT allow you to move forward with your life without having good health! I forgive you.

Jessy J. You're yet another hard one. You push my buttons like no one else ever has. You piss me off, you make me FURIOUS! You make me want to pack a suitcase and just drive away, anywhere but where you are. But, I don't because you're my daughter and you still need me. One day, however, I won't be here to pick you up when you fall or console you when you're down. You have to learn to control your temper and attitude because that is your BIGGEST SET BACK IN LIFE. You also have to learn to BELIEVE in YOURSELF! Payam may have it in your head that you can't do things and that you're worthless but guess what? You're WORTH EVERYTHING! There is NOTHING you can't do if you put your mind to it! How do I know? Because you're part of a long line of very strong women! You're part of the Jeffrey women! My Grandma was a nurse in the war, she survived and raised three children while my Papa worked full days. My Aunt has always been a single woman and has managed to do very well for herself all these years. My mom, she was single most of my life, worked MANY jobs to put food on the table, clothes on our backs. There were times I ate and she did NOT. She worked all the way up to when she was no longer able to because of cancer. She went to cancer treatment ALONE! That is a STRONG woman. I have been through hell and back 5 times over and I am still standing strong, raising 4 children on my own and working my ass off. You have NO reason to believe you can't be strong too and do whatever you set your mind to. You just have to start TRYING! SO get off your ass, hold your head up and START TRYING! So, I can forgive you.

My mom.... you're the hardest one of all. Even trying to write this my eyes are welling up with tears. Good thing I can type without looking at my keyboard.

You were never around much when I was a child because you had to work so hard to keep a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food on the table. You tried SO HARD! I knew that. I missed you though. I needed you and you weren't ever there for me. I don't remember you coming to hardly any of my school functions, you always had to work. Then to get your attention, I'd skip school but, that just got me in more trouble and you still went to work, leaving me on my own. Or Pam would take you on these trips to Mexico, Arizona, Las Vegas, on cruises, all over the place and fancy parties and shows and concerts or out shopping... leaving me behind even more. I was NEVER invited or included in anything. As a teenage girl, I NEEDED you around and you never were. You never were there to talk to, to spend time with, to cry on your shoulder, nothing. Then I had my daughter and we FINALLY started spending time together but it was NOT for me. You only spent time with me to spend time with your granddaughter and that HURT SO MUCH! You thought by being there for her, spending time with her, it made up for ALL THE MISTAKES you made with me. It didn't! It just made more mistakes with me and more for me to hurt over. Then you got FUCKING CANCER! You got CANCER, of all things! You had to go and get CANCER and leave me! Why did you have to get sick and DIE?!?! I am so MAD at you for that and I am UNABLE TO FORGIVE YOU, still. I am still so hurt over that. You NEVER even said goodbye. You didn't want me in your hospital room when you were too sick because you thought you were doing me a favour but in reality, you did what you do best and hurt me more but this time, there was no working it out because you DIED! TWO WEEKS before my Birthday you died. You left me behind, your granddaughter and now 3 grandson's you NEVER got to meet because you were gone. You would love them so much! They would just adore you! And Akira, you'd just adore Akira but, you'll never know your great-granddaughter because you're gone.

So much I went through was because of YOU. Because you weren't there for me and made really BAD choices for me. There is so much in my life that has happened that could have been avoided because of the choices YOU made FOR me. I can't forgive you for that. I can't forgive you. I just am not ready. I love you, I miss you every second of every day but I cannot forgive you.