Thoughts Thursday

                               Thoughts Thursday 

"Boys are just place holders, they come and they go." 

Today is Thoughts Thursday. I read that to have a good blog you have to connect with your readers and share some personal thoughts, experiences and memories. Here I am, someone who never opens up to anyone, opening up on my blog for everyone! I am great at writing without really thinking about it. I can pour my heart out into my writing but, speaking, that's almost impossible for me. So, take this post for what it is; open, honest, heart felt and real. It's a piece of me that I don't usually share. I encourage you all to do the same; share something heart felt from your past. You won't believe how light you feel afterwards. 

I am only human and I am a true to heart Taurus. I hold on to people, feelings and memories like they were fresh. I don't do it on purpose it's just who I am. It can be annoying and frustrating. It can also be a good thing because, I learn very well from my past, mistakes and journey's I've had. 

The things that I've held on to the tightest are relationships; past and present. There are few that have stuck hard and tight and few that I've not been able to get out of my mind; for whatever reason. Like my ex Jeff S. I started dating him when I was 16 (I'm 41 now) and he was 19. He was blond hair, blue eyed, muscular, had a black biker jacket, always wore jeans and was one of those "bad boy" types. I just loved him more than life itself. We dated for about a year or a tad more. He was literally my everything. He would be the first thing I thought of each and every morning, the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep, the one person I'd see every single day and if I didn't see him, my heart felt empty and soul felt lost. He treated me like gold, like I was the only girl on the planet that mattered to him. He was so sweet to me. He didn't care where we were, what we were doing, who was around, he'd kiss me... the best kisses I'd ever had, and kiss me so passionately. I would melt into him when he kissed me. He'd always hold my hand, made sure I was okay and protected me to the death of him. He was my Knight. 

Then, I lost him...

I was broken, lost, hurt, shattered, in literal pain. I cried and cried so much I didn't think the tears would ever stop. I lost the second half of my soul and didn't know how to fill that void. I don't know if I ever did. I mean, I constantly thought of him so much since losing him. 

I missed him like I was missing a huge part of myself. I think I did lose a part of myself. I found a saying; Tu me manques. It's French and means, you are missing from me. I think that saying is stunning. It's not saying the same old, "I miss you." It's saying you are literally missing from me and I am missing from you. It's a powerful quote. I also use that quote for my mom who passed away. 

I managed to reconnect with Jeff later on in life when a mutual friend of ours passed away of an overdose. Jeff's brother had told me our friend died and no one had told Jeff because he was in jail. I thought that was ignorant that no one wanted to tell him his best friend died. So, I found the address to the jail he was in and wrote to him, telling him his best friend was gone and that he could write or call me if he needed to talk. He did (call me and write me). We reconnected and almost had a "thing" again but, I thought, "WTF am I doing? He's in jail!! I can't reconnect with him." so, I ended it again. 

So again, I lost him...

Then again, years later when I moved back home from Ontario to Alberta he found my address (post office box) from his brother and wrote me. I wrote him back asking how he was and such and told him I wouldn't be able to reconnect as I now have 4 kids and a life that I didn't want messed up. He was writing me from jail... again and now he was into drugs and such. As much as I wished he was a better person and was doing better in his life I knew I couldn't have that kind of negativity in my life or my kids. So, I said a sweet goodbye for good this time and haven't heard from him since. 

His brother told me he saw Jeff after I'd written him and he was released, and Jeff had told him he was trying to get in touch with me. I told his brother "NO WAY!" I had to end contacted with his brother as well because I didn't trust he wouldn't tell Jeff where I was or how to contact me. 

It sucks losing someone who once meant the world to you and held such a huge part of your heart. It's painful and heart breaking. I will always deeply treasure our moments together and time we had. They're forever etched into who I am today. I do wish him well and hope he does better, gets off the drugs and stays out of jail. I hope he does great things with his life. I don't ever want to hear he's dead from an overdose like his best friend. That would break me. I really hope he changes. 

I am happily with someone now, someone who is kind to me, who is funny, weird, a bit immature at times and caring. I can't see me being with anyone else. This person I'm with now is an important person in my life. When memories over ride my mind with the past, I accept it and let my mind wander. It never hurts to remember your past. Hold on to those memories, those past relationships and love deeply. It is part of you, part of a chapter in your life that can't be rewritten. It has made you who you are today. Learn from your past, from your mistakes and ex's. Don't repeat, change, live and move on. 

Keep the memories deep in your heart, cherish them deeply and let go. I can now say, today, I am over Jeff and have been for a very LONG time. He was great for me when I was young but TERRIBLE for me now. I don't regret ever being with him, I've learned what love is because of him and what true pain is from losing that first love. I can't relive those moments and won't try. I actually THANK him for everything; the good and bad, the love and pain. It was amazing; all of it.