Fuck Cancer

This post is upsetting, stressful and hard to write. I don't want to accept this is my reality and don't want it to be true but, it is. 

I had an appointment to have an MRI for a while now for my spine. It's been overly sore for over a year now. The pain goes into my hips, down my leg and into my ankle. Just before I was to do my MRI I went to my family doctor about a lump in my throat that's been bothering me for a few months now. He booked me an ultrasound the same day as my MRI, which was great because I had to do them both in Lethbridge and that's a 45 minute drive for me from where I live. 

I did my ultrasound and MRI on a Friday. The ultrasound test was fast and easy. The MRI, that was long and terrifying! That machine is huge, intimidating and really loud. The tech gave me earplugs and face cloth to put over my eyes. I kept passing out in the machine from fear. I was so glad when it was over. 

The doctor called me the following Monday to have me go in and get my results from both tests. I thought it was fast to get the results, so they had to be bad. 

When I went in to see him he tried to explain my MRI results to me. Much of it was doctor talk and I didn't understand it. I'll take the results to my pharmacist and have him explain them to me. He's really good at explaining things to me so I can understand them. Then my doctor told me my ultrasound results; I understand those! He said there is 3 lumps in my lymph nodes that are decently big and are cancerous. Yeah, I understand the word cancer! He said he has to send me for a biopsy to see how far along they are, if they've spread and what can be done. 

I left the doctor office, got in the car where my daughter was waiting (she is 21) put my face in my hands, leaned forward with my face between my knees and cried so hard! 

My mom who was only 47 years young DIED of cancer. It started in her lungs then spread to her throat and brain and on April 10th 2004, she passed away from it. So soon as I heard my doctor say I have cancer, it scared the living shit out of me. 

I don't want to die in my 40's. I don't want to leave my kids behind who are ages, 21, 14, 12 and 11! I'm not ready to leave them yet and they're not ready to have me gone. They still NEED me and I NEED them! I'm not ready to not be in my grandkid's lives. They also still need me and I need them. I'm just not ready to not be on this earth yet, there's still so much I want to do, to see and people's lives I need to be involved in. I'm NOT READY TO GO YET!!! Not until I am old and grey and confused. Let me see my kids and grandkids grow up! 

I messaged my Aunt, who lives closes to me and I've had a decent relationship with the last while, to let her know that I have throat cancer and that payments I have to pay her on the car she helped me buy would be lower, that I'd need more time to pay it down because of this. Thinking that because I said I'd still pay it, not that I won't pay at all, she'd be understanding. BOY WAS I WRONG! She flipped out and told me that she doesn't care, she still wants to be paid. So I told her not to be such a selfish Bitch and blocked her. She came to MY HOUSE without letting anyone know and took the license plate off the car, because the insurance was in her name. I unblocked her and asked her WHY she did that and her response was disgusting. She said because she has no time to wait for me to pay it back. I said, I PAY YOU for the insurance, you had no right to do that. She didn't care. She said she has no energy to fight with me. HELLO BITCH, YOU started the fight and YOU were ignorant and YOU don't care that I have fucking CANCER! 

So, whatever, I got a new license plate and stickers and my OWN insurance. Fuck her. It was nice at the time that she was helping but I didn't NEED her. I can do this shit myself. So, I told her that I got my own plates, insurance and such and NOT to come anywhere near me or my house again. I cut her ass OUT of my life. I don't need her bi-polar attitude or negativity. She wants to act like an immature teenager, she can do that, away from me. 

So, if her shit wasn't enough to deal with, my son's BMX was stolen yesterday! Right from our yard. We have security cameras and an alarm system on the house. I'm surprised anyone stole from us. My daughter knows a decent amount of people, so she was on top of trying to find who took his bike. I posted it missing on many buy and sell pages. We think we found who did it but can't prove it so, we have people watching this guy we're pretty sure stole it. He'll get caught if he has it. 

This lady saw my post about my son's missing bike and offered him another BMX. She sent me a picture of it, it's a nice bike. I was so thankful to her for that. My son is so happy he'll have another BMX but, he still wants HIS bike. He loves that bike so much. I think it's just disgusting people walk into your yard and steal from you for their own greed and or for drugs. How ignorant. We have a glimpse of the guy on our security cameras. He was tall, thin, looked like a teenager or young adult. Black hoody and black pants. I posted the video with my post about the missing bike, hoping someone would know who he is. 

Just before bed last night I was using my phone to scroll through my Facebook news feed. I saw this post for some really pretty French items. There were curtains in a teal colour, candleholders in the same colour, an ottoman, and a drawer with an Eiffel tower photo glued to the bottom. It's more of a tray than a drawer. I messaged the lady selling theses things, asking if they're still available. She said yes! I was so excited. I bought them right away. I get to pick them up today. They're going to look so nice in my house. I have so many French/Paris items. So many Eiffel towers and such. I want my whole house decorated in a French theme. 

So, back to my cancer... I have to wait for the hospital to call me with an appointment to do the biopsy. I've asked around if it's going to hurt, everyone has said it will a little bit. I mean, it's my throat they're taking a small chunk of right, so of course, it's going to hurt a bit. I am so nervous. I don't want to hear that this is too far gone they can't do anything or that it's spread elsewhere. I'm not ready for that kind of information but who is? I don't want to have to go for radiation treatments. I don't want to lose my hair! I have decently long hair, I'd be crushed if it all fell out. I just spent $150 on a curling iron! I like using it. If I have no hair, how do I use it? I know that's trivial compared to my health and life but, it's something that makes me happy, my hair. I don't want to have to grow it all back, it takes so long for it to grow to the length it is now and I'm trying to grow it even longer. 

I have to say, I am GLAD my kids are all homeschooled. I spoke to their advisor, she said it's okay if I don't do a lot of work with them throughout this, to concentrate on healing myself first. Any normal school wouldn't say that. Once treatments start for me, it will be stressful for my kids to see me go through it. I couldn't imagine them trying to go to school every day seeing me sick. Cancer doesn't just attack you, it also attacks everyone around you. It's a horrific disease.